I'd like to say I trust him in all matters and would never try to bend his will. And I'd be lying. Sad to say, I have tried, on occasion, to deal with God.
As a child they were silly things I don't much remember. But as I grew, the world didn't work quite like I wanted it to. So I stepped into the ring with God, hoping to get my way.
I just celebrated my 34th wedding anniversary March 1st. Why do I bring that up? For cards and gifts, of course.
Actually, because before I was married, I tried to strike a deal with God. I asked him to bring me a man who was gentle and kind. Who would love me like no other. Who would respect me and to abuse me. I promised I would be the best wife, mother and Christian ever.
Having been molested as a child, my deal didn't seem so far-fetched.
I failed at mine. After a few years of trying to be super woman. I wasn't having fun anymore.
I hated my life.
I wanted out.
I regret to say that I asked God to find away to get me out and keep make it all turn out okay. Keep me from looking like a failure.
There had to be something more. Something better.
All the while, several women were probably praying for a man just like mine.
Is he perfect? No. But he shows me love. He shows me Christ. While I was trying to rip us apart, he was praying and fighting to keep us together.
He was a picture of God's grace.
And God was gracious. He'd already planned to give me someone wonderful before I ever asked. I didn't even have to make a deal. We've been together for 34 years now.
You'd think I'd learn… hmm.
My mother had cancer and she was dying. First, came the prayers, and the trying to trust. But God wasn't moving fast enough. I wanted Him to heal my mother. Now. As she grew weaker and weaker, I found myself trying to strike a deal with God.
If he'd heal her, I'd would tell everyone I could about his glory. Save her and I'd be the best daughter and…
My mother, Laura, died on January 18th. I knew it was coming. God had told me this was her healing and I had only to trust.
Yeah, right. I was mad. (which is a part of grief, I know.) God took my father in 1994 and now my mother. If he'd only listened to me and… What?
Two night before Mom died, she reminded me of how she was after Dad died. How she used to sit on Dad's grave praying and begging God to bring him back. God reminded her that Dad was okay and in a better place past all the pain and hurt. Did she really want to bring him back from that?
I think that was her way of saying she was ready to go home to live in God's plan for her.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to you hope and a future."
Why do I sometimes expect the worst when he has so much more for me?
I only have to accept his plan. I don't have to finagle him or get him to wheel and deal. I only have to rest in him.
Isaiah 40:31 (KJV) They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run, and not be weary: they shall walk, and not faint.